Naughty Ned & Messie Bessie
An epidemic is afoot amongst the Naughty Ned and Messie Bessie populations
that causes an embarrassing condition for the novelty keychain animals.
Many people will recognize the photos at the left as similar to the fates of their beloved Ned and Bessie.
The condition, technically known as hyperectalanemia, causes the fecal production of Naughty Ned or Messie Bessie to increase, while at the same time making the keychain incontinent.
Hyperectalanemia, sometimes referred to as "Loose Poop Syndrome", does not seem to be painful to
the animals (they still smile) but is quite embarrassing and limits their ability to perform as desired.
Think you don't need a Fecalectomy?
Messibe Bessie accidentally sat on poor froggie one day and gave the frog a piece of her mind.
Poor froggie huffed and puffed and couldn't free himself from the "death grip" of Bessies mess.
Finally, after a couple of months of captivity, poor froggie managed to cever the mess from Bessie and regain his freedom-- or so he thought!
After nearly a year, poor froggie still hasn't regained full freedom as he is partially encapulated in Bessies mess.
Judging by the expression on poor froggie, he is in great pain.
Messie Bessie is busy at making more
mess. One wonders if in another year, poor froggie will be entirely covered in mess.
| || |
Performing the Fecalectomy
In order to restore full vigor and health to your Messie Bessie or Naughty Ned, you will need to perform the delicate Fecalectomy operation.
Before commencing with this procedure, be certain that you have adequate ventilation, a clean working surface, septic shears, and three steady hands. While the operation has been performed successfully with only two hands, it is not recommended.
When you are ready, proceed as follows:
- With your left hand, grab Ned or Bessie.
- With your right hand, carefully grab and pull the exposed fecal tissue to the correct aperture (see photo at left).
- With your third hand, place the shears in position to cever the excess fecal tissue from the rectum of Ned or Bessie. Once in
position, make your cut clean and fast to avoid inflicting pain on the keychain.
- Dispose of the removed fecal tissue in an approved container. CLICK HERE for proper disposal techniques.
NOTE: In some situations you may need
to massage the rectum of Ned or Bessie (this seems to effect Bessie more than Ned) to assure proper fecal presentation when they are in their relaxed state. A small screwdriver or fecal probe is useful should this be necessary.
WARNING: Do NOT use KlezWorm removal tools to perform a fecalectomy!
Fecal Tissue Disposal
Remember-- The fecal tissue you remove
from Naughty Ned or Messie Bessie is dangerous medical waste. If not treated properly, it can be the source for much consternation and make your home eligible for superfund cleanup.
While it is not expressly required that you handle Ned or Bessies excess fecal tissue while wearing a full biological protective suit, it is highly recommended. Moviegoers from the 60's will note that this fecal tissue is indeed the same material used in the movie "The Blob". If not disposed of
properly, Ned & Bessie fecal tissue can eventually grow to mammoth proportions and even engulf diners and movie theaters.
Currently, the only proper method for disposal is to place the material inside a piece of BLUE paper towel and then deposit it in the special containers marked "THANK YOU" at your nearest McDonalds restaurant (proud sponsors of the Naughty Ned - Messie Bessie Fecal Recycling Program).
By properly disposing the fecal material in this manner, it will be recycled
into biological weaponry for use in the war against terror.