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Terror in Seattle!

A fluke accident during the filming of an episode for the Discovery channel has put thousands out of their homes along the Peugeot bay.

The year old clone of the Jarkov Mammoth, raised last year from the Siberian wilderness managed to break loose while feeding and is presently on a rampage through the suburbs of Seattle.

Local authorities are powerless to interfere with the creature, as it is the only living Wooly Mammoth and therefore protected by the Protected Species Act of 1994.  "All we can do is watch" commented Lt Jake Seigrand of the SPD. "He appears to have developed a taste for Cedar siding and fiberglass shingles."

In the first four hours on the loose, the mammoth destroyed 16 homes and 31 SUV's.  His handlers expect him to reach Spokane within the week.

In hopes to legally be able to thwart the mammoths rampage, scientists are hurriedly attempting to clone his only known natural enemy-- the Brontosaurus Rex, in hopes the two will annihilate each other.  --Staff

MacMaster Going for Record

Renowned Scottish fisherman Geof MacMaster is hoping to catch the Loch Ness Monster and reserve a space in the Guinness Book of Records.

"Patience, that's the secret-- patience!" exclaimed MacMaster in a recent interview, six weeks into his quest for the record catch.

More details as they become available. --Staff

September 15, 2001 issue

Opposing Thumb A Mutation

Anthropologists have unearthed evidence that the opposing thumb of human hands was a mutation caused by a prehistoric nuclear blast.

"The genome evidence is amazing" reported Dr Timothy Dree of SUNY. "Many diseases are surely linked to this mutation, DNA repairs will solve many problems".

Dr Dree postulates that the DNA anomaly that causes the opposing thumb is also responsible for increased human sensitivity to pollen and dust.  The FDA has recently awarded a grant for initial human tests using the repaired DNA to verify that a non-opposing thumb would correlate with pollen insensitivity.

"Springtime sneezing may be a thing of the past" cites Dree, "not to mention that having all five fingers of the hand radiate from the same plane will be more visually organized, as the feet are".   Dree had no comment when confronted with the question of how the lack of an opposing thumb would affect the typical uses for fingers of the hand.  

Volunteers are requested to contact Dr T Dree at SUNY for participation in this important research.

Egg Shortage Expected

Demand for embryonic stem cells will soon make a difference at the breakfast table.

The yokes of common eggs are rich in embryonic chicken stem cells, a valuable source for the material likely to cure all known human ailments.

The difficulty and expense incurred to harvest stem cells from the yokes of human eggs makes chicken eggs a very desirable alternative source for stem cells. While there are some side effects (webbing between fingers and toes) noted by patients who have undergone therapy with chicken based stem cells, the research benefits are enormous.

Doctors had been hoping to avoid the webbing side effects from chicken based cells by using cells from turtle eggs.  Sadly, this resulted in an equally undesirable side effect in patients-- hardening of the nose and back.  There is still guarded optimism with the use of alligator eggs, which is still under study.

 

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