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Congressional Stimulus Package Fails To Stimulate

After more than a week of stimulation, both the US Senate and House have failed to enact important legislation, dashing hopes that the recently implemented stimulus package would prod things along.

"All I felt was a slight itch on my thigh" cited Sen Ted Kenny. "Perhaps the voltage is too low"

The $50 million dollar project to retrofit the seats of both House and Senate chambers with "taser-like" electronic stimulators was supposed to increase awareness and cut down on disruptive snoring during legislative sessions. 

"Our system has proven 100% effective for stimulating normal people" stated Bill Lamoreaux, engineer for The Invisibile Fence Company, the contractor for the project. "Perhaps legislators have thicker skin or are more dense than normal people".  Lamoreaux adds that if the current system continues to be ineffective they will modify the system to implement electrified collars (with or without spikes) as part of the contract.  The collars are designed to fit comfortably between chins or underneath highly starched collars, yet provide a needed jolt of electricity to assure a legislator does not fall asleep while in session.  --Staff

Tivo Adds Fast Forward

This spring, users of the popular Tivo TV recording system will be able to Fast Forward live programming, in addition to their current ability to stop or slow down live events.

Pundits predict that the new version of Tivo will be the spark to re-light the economy and bring back boom times.  While still in beta test, the Super-Tivo has proven quite addictive as users report being glued to the news/sports/finance channels.  Developers did expect users of the new system to spend more time viewing sporting events, but they did not expect the extent to which the device would drive viewers away from formerly popular channels like E! and History.  --Staff

September 1, 2002 issue

NEA HQ Opens

After six years in construction, the NEA Headquarters, a dominant part of the P'yongyang skyline, has finally opened it's doors.

"We're so glad to be here" noted Thai Phuukay, NEA Policy Chief. "Having to travel back and forth to the US all the time got tiresome-- especially after 9-11".

While much of the NEA low level operations will remain in the US, mid level management of the association will move to P'yongyang, North Korea to be closer to upper management, that has been based there for the last fifty years.  While it is widely suspected that the move will augment the slide of NEA policy further away from an Americanistic/Capitalistic view toward a more Communistic/Socialistic view, management is taking a 'wait and see' approach.  Visitors to the new facility have noted that the building is not only a "smoke free" zone, but "bible free" also, with numerous visitors being detained for hours due to the wearing of Christian inspired jewelry.  --Staff

Rankless Military Feels Good

New recruits to the USMC boot camp at Ft Gagg expected a few weeks of hard military training, but didn't know what to do when they received breakfast in bed, golf lessons, and group hugs instead.

Ft Gagg is the first base to enact the new Rankless Military, the brainchild of late 90's governmental policy.  In an executive order issued in 1998, the US Military has until January 2003 to eliminate all rank systemwide.

"We want every new recruit to feel welcome and important" noted Dr Cathy LaDuke, psychoanalyst overseeing the conversion. "When people feel loved they are less aggressive and peaceful". LaDuke goes on to add that the elimination of rank will give the military more diversity, which could be an advantage by eliminating cohesive actions that may harm aggressors.

In related news, California Congresswoman Jane Bullnoise has introduced HR-105 which, if enacted, would require the military to provide 72 hour warning of any offensive actions, and 48 hour warning of any defensive actions.  Official warnings would need to be made publicly available through the worldwide media and via direct mail to the affected parties.

 

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