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Success Reached in Tuberculosis Comeback

Scientists at the National Center for Endangered Organisms reported today that their efforts towards removing the Tuberculosis virus from the endangered species list is nearing a successful completion.

"Tuberculosis was nearly extinct in the 50's and 60's and populations of the virus are growing" stated Dr. William Defoe of the NCEO. "With our engineered resistant strains, we expect to never have to worry about Tuberculosis becoming extinct ever again".

With help from research grants from the US-EPA, the NCEO has been able to foster increases in populations of other endangered organisms, most notably the Lyme Disease bacterium, spread by the protected Deer Tick.  Thanks to a public awareness campaign by the Serrah Club, both Lyme bacterium and the deer tick have joined the spotted owl on the protected species list.  Unknown dangers to our ecosystem have been averted by maintaining Lyme bacterium in our ecosphere.

Researchers have been warning the public for years about the impact that viruses and bacterium have on our ecosystem.  Elimination of even one of these could have cataclysmic implications for the world, if not the universe. Recent experiments on the new International Space Station have inconclusively proven the theory that the dinosaurs became extinct due to the extinction of the East Nile Virus (now extinct close cousin to the West Nile Virus) and the ecological disaster that the viral extinction provoked.

In related news, the NCEO is looking for volunteers to participate in their Bubonic Plague research.  Please contact Dr. Jake Thesnake vie the NCEO website.  --Staff

Psychic Wins Lottery

This weeks Super Powerball Jackpot was won by none other than one of televisions most prolific psychics.  The winner (unnamed to maintain her privacy) reportedly drew the "King of Chanticles" card and decided it was time to claim her jackpot and retire early.

Television advertising executives are in panic as Tarot reading ads make up 35% of revenues for most cable channels. With the announced retirement of the "queen of Tarot", some cable network operators are planning to switch their network programming over to subscription-only in an effort to make up for the lost advertising revenue.  More details as they are available... -- Staff

August 15, 2001 issue

Baby Changing Station adds Asian and Latino

More selection will soon be available to users of the popular Koola Baby Changing Stations, now ubiquitous in public restrooms.

With the addition of Asian and Latino, the changing stations will offer a choice of fourteen ethnicity's for the baby exchange. 

"While our Chicano baby is an overwhelming favorite, we expect the Latino baby to be tremendously popular" says Bill Wyrick, CEO of Koola. "We respond to our customers-- and they wanted more "non-european" choices".

Reportedly the company is working on an upgrade to their Islamic baby, incorporating some of the popular features from the Polish version.  Rumors of an upgraded "Premium Baby Changer" with a monthly changing fee, were confirmed by Wyrick, but the details of the new system are not yet public.

Swimming Banned

Florida legislators, in response to the emerging public safety issue of shark attacks, has enacted rules to regulate swimming throughout the state.

The Florida Secretary of State will commence issuing permits to those who desire to swim starting with the laws enactment this September.  Monthly permits are expected to cost $4,500 and be available to all Floridians who pass a sixteen page exam on swimming dangers and who own an approved full body chainmail bathing suit.

Georgia, Louisiana and California are amidst enacting similar legislation.  --Staff

 

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