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San Francisco Floods Streets

Out of desperation, the city by the bay has flooded many downtown city streets in an attempt to curtail automotive emissions in the city.

While controversial, many residents are excited about the new canal system and how it will revitalize tourism in the beleaguered city.

The city, fearing harsh sanctions by the EPA, chose the conversion from roadways to canals as the most effective way to reduce the citys high levels of automotive emissions.

Sadly, the city has already consumed its water allocation for the next five years and residents will be restricted to bottled water for drinking and washing. Authorities are enforcing strict curfews in an attempt to keep residents from using canal water for personal use.  People found awake after 10pm will be detained -without water- indefinitely.  --Staff

Punch Clocks To Be Outlawed

After years of discrimination and harassment, sufferers of "late riser syndrome" will finally be able to report to work whenever they get up.

"This is a great day for the downtrodden and tired" commended Sally Marks, proponent of the "timeless" initiative. "Finally people can work when their bodies are most comfortable, as opposed to when it benefits employers most".

The Senate, in a party line vote, passed the measure as part of a wetlands appropriation bill. The wording of the law makes it illegal for employers, schools, and transportation facilities to enforce strict timetables for work or services. The ruling will allow those with sleep disorders to participate on an even level with others.  --Staff

Shore To Shore Trail Announced

Pedestrians making cross USA treks will soon benefit from a new coast-to-coast handicap-accessible hiking/bicycling trail.

Thanks to a new law allowing the federal government to condemn real property "without reason, recourse or payment", the trail will become a reality. 

Expected to be completed by Spring of 2002, the fully paved trail will link Los Angeles with Boston and allow individuals or groups wishing to seek publicity by walking or cycling across country the means to do so without having to compete with automobile traffic, or cross private property. 

A special feature of the new trail is federally subsidized juice bars (complete with showers) at five mile intervals along the trail.

July 1, 2001 issue

Sun Glasses Interfere With Vision

Drivers using sunglasses are 75% more likely to not be able to see well at night, as reported today in a study released by the NYS Impairment Society.

The study confirms that tinted glasses were helpful in reducing the stresses associated with driving in traffic by giving the driver the perception that there were fewer other vehicles on the road.

NYS legislators are expected to quickly add sunglasses to the expanding list of devices that are illegal to use while driving in the state.  This past week both children and cellphones were made illegal to transport in a motor vehicle, unless stowed in the trunk or a similarly sealed container.

In related news, progress is slow on implementation of the new "Icy Road Ban" ruling, as lawmakers debate precisely how to close state roads when the temperature drops below 34 degrees.  Without a workable plan, the state constitution makes it mandatory for the governor to close down all roads in the state after the first frost this fall.  --Staff

No-Fault Truancy

Ohio school children will be able to miss school next year without having to give a reason.

Family psychologists have long complained that part of the increase in childhood illness was caused by the reward of staying home from school that benefited the sicker children.

The Ohio Education Authority agreed, and starting this coming school season, students will be able to miss classes without being required to give reason.  The hope is to promote better health amongst school aged children by removing the reward for becoming ill.

As a side benefit, OEA officials note that they expect this action to cut 5% from the costs of running a typical school in the state.

Detractors of the new policy are quick to point out the recent study that showed that children who attended school had a 3% better chance of succeeding in the workforce as those who received no schooling.

Reportedly, both Virginia and Missouri are likely to adopt a similar policy for the coming school year.

Cock Fights Linked To Aspartame

Scientists at the San Diego Zoo have confirmed that cocks (male chickens or roosters) fed the diet sweetener Aspartame become enraged and fight.

While many people had speculated that cocks fought when being cheered on by Hispanic men, researchers had never been able to duplicate their fights in the lab.   "Spanish speech causes them to fall asleep" reported Avie Allou, zoologist.

This breakthrough is expected to result in greater interest in the Aspartame-Aggression link, now considered ridiculous by the scientific community.

 

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