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I-95 Closing in NJ

Residents along interstate 95 in Lakehurst New Jersey have apparently gotten their way with the planned closing of the interstate through their neighborhood.

For the past six weeks, Lakehurst residents have camped out on the side of the six lane highway hoping that their acts of civil disobedience would get the road closed.

"I can't sleep at night with the road noise" cited Amil Flescher, nearby resident. "And the smell... it gives me a headache just thinking about it".

When I-95 was built in this section of NJ back in 1951, the town of Lakehurst did not exist.  Lakehurst was created as a "toll booth town" to provide nearby housing for interstate tollbooth workers.  While the noise and smell of the highway existed before the first house was erected, Judge G. Waposki of the US Circuit Court of NJ has ruled that the interstate "cease and desist".

Starting June 1, I-95 will be blocked off from traffic between exit 10 and exit 6.  The existing road is scheduled to be torn out later this summer and turned into a bird sanctuary for the North American Silent Winger, a notably quiet bird that has no smell. 

State transportation officials are busy trying to locate an alternate route for the interstate, but at this point have found staunch opposition from neighboring towns who do not want the roadway in their backyards.  In the meantime, all I-95 traffic will have to follow an unpaved detour along US-9.

Egyptian Chia Flourishes

In the shadow of the great pyramid Egyptologists have discovered an ancient altar that harbors a vigorous growth of Chia plants.  Herbologists have not yet been able to explain how the chias manage to survive in the dry environment, but they speculate that the plants have only been in Egypt for the past ten years or so, and not a native species. 

Egyptian authorities, fearing a pandemic of Chia, have tightened inspections of imports, and are now confiscating suspicious baggage at all borders in an attempt to prevent the importation of chia seeds into the country. --Staff

May 1, 2001 issue

Slavery Making Comeback

The worldwide economic slowdown has put unbearable financial pressures on many families, sometimes with disastrous results.

The enterprising management at Irish SnakeSkin Products has come up with an answer to provide guaranteed housing, food and healthcare for their employees.  All employees of the company are given the option to become slaves.  When choosing the slavery option, they are guaranteed lifelong employment without layoffs, adequate food, clothing, shelter, child and health care for life, and the identical working environment they currently enjoy.  Those not opting for slavery are still allowed to work for the firm, but are subject to layoffs and benefit cuts, and must find affordable housing and food on their own.

While the term "slavery" does not appeal to many at first, most employees are signing up for slavery citing that it is a much better deal than they currently receive.  Industrial leaders are watching closely how the slavery project progresses.  Optional slavery is likely to be available in the US in about a year, sooner if economic decline continues.

Hay Recalled Nationwide

Farmers throughout the US are recalling all bushels of hay that have been sold from October 2000 through March 2001.

On Thursday, a prize Gelding was found dead near Saratoga NY apparently due to the ingestion of a small needle that was in his hay.  This marks the sixth death related to needles found within bales of feed hay in the past month.

Fearing an epidemic, the NIH has issued a mandatory recall of all hay and hay byproducts.  The needles appear to be the type used in the packaging of mens shirts, but no conclusive evidence has been found linking them to any particular type of shirt.

The recalled hay will be tagged to identify its owner, inspected for needles, and then returned to the owner.  Original reports of farmers illegally burning the recalled hay were erroneous, as federal regulations prohibit such burning.  The NIH has put out a plea for anyone with a desire to assist in the needle search to contact them regarding employment in their area.  --Staff

Boffo.com  Moves Headquarters

Internet giant, Boffo.com, has completed the relocation of its headquarters from midtown NYC to Chico Canyon, AZ.  Economic reality and other cost cutting requirements dictated the move, according to a recent company press release.  Corporate officers were unavailable to comment as telephone service to the new offices is not due to be installed until late summer.  --Staff

 

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