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Steven Dell Gets 60 Days

Steven Dell, well known spokesperson for Dell Computers, will be spending the next 60 days in jail.

"But it's not my dad's car" exclaimed the convicted Dell as he was taken from the courtroom in handcuffs. "Tell them, Mister Foster-- Please!".

Foster, a longtime friend of Dells, testified that Steven had been driving the 1964 Ford Galaxie convertible when he arrived at the Electroville mall.  Another witness, Jane Doe, was riding with Dell and agreed with Foster.

While Foster was skeptical that Dell was lying when he was questioned as to the ownership of the vehicle, he never suspected that the car was stolen earlier that day from Steven Dells uncle Fred, who had a Ford Galaxie similar to that of Stevens father Mel Dell.

The jury deliberated for just 30 minutes before returning with a guilty verdict on the single count of auto theft. While the judge could have sentenced Steven to five years in Apple prison, he was given just 60 days in the Compaq county jail.

Military Tests Xantham Gum

While seismologists measure what appear to be earthquakes in Afghanistan, US military leaders are rejoicing at successful tests of their new Xantham Gum weapon.

Xantham Gum, commonly used as a food preservative, has recently found a use as an extremely expansive explosive for the military.  The normally benign substance reacts explosively when exposed to UVc light.

Military sources are expecting Xantham Gum weaponry to make nuclear weapons obsolete, as a briefcase sized Xantham bomb can cause more than ten times the equivalent nuclear explosion, or appear as a 7.5 Richter earthquake.

Xantham Gum explosives are especially suited to fighting in the moutains of Afghanistan. By coordinating explosions, an entire mountain range can be converted to a flat plain or a mesa. This method creates useful farmland while eliminating enemy caves.  Unofficial estimates are that Afghanistan will be converted to a level plains topography by mid summer.  --Staff

April 1, 2002 issue

Two of Ten Commandments Deemed Fraudulent

Handwriting experts at UC Berkley have concluded that two of the ten commandments given to Moses, were not written by the hand of God and are part of an eons old hoax.

"We've seen many fakes and this one is classic" cited Maurice DeMarvo, Professor of Antiquity. "God has a distinctive style that's easy to follow".

Apparently, when exposed to BM gas and UV light, the carvings of the seventh and ninth commandments show a distinctively different signature and signs of being purposefully modified from the original.

The commandments in question prohibit adultery and forbid the telling of lies, both rarely followed in modern society.

Experts agree that dropping the two questionable commandments will have little effect and urge further research into the fourth commandment (observe the sabbath), as it too may be fraudulent.  -Staff

Walmart Post To Begin Service

The much heralded WalMart-Post parcel service will finally open later this month.

Customers will be able to ship parcels up to 50# to and from any WalMart in the country for a low $1.25 flat fee.

"This is sure to have some brown running" noted Jim Sperling, of Minnesota. "It will give UPS and FedEx some real competition".

While WalMart Post will only deliver to Walmart stores, the low rates are sure to be popular.  WalMart already operates a fleet of trucks and aircraft rivaling the other parcel services, and can provide the parcel service as an adjunct to their existing store supply system. --Staff

Yellow Trucks To Be Painted

An out of court settlement has finally been reached in the Yellow Trucking suit.

Yellow Trucking has agreed to repaint all their trucks from the present orange color to yellow to comply with truth in advertising statutes, and avoid expensive litigation in US Federal Court.

No explanation was given as to why Yellow trucks were orange to begin with, but the company estimates the repainting to be complete by this June.

 

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