Standard Serving Shrinks Again
The International Serving Organization (ISO) today announced it has revised the standard serving size, a move that will make more foods "good".
By reducing the size of the "standard serving", the amount of harmful ingredients shown on the label would be reduced. Under the new standard, formerly high-fat items like Haagen Daaz ice cream would be classified as healthy and low-fat. A standard hot dog will go from 2 to 6 servings, while a large McDonalds soft drink will now contain 25 servings.
Sy Dingal, of Morton Salt is overjoyed. "Finally people with hypertension (high blood pressure) can enjoy our salt".
The new standard is known as ISO-9002 and will take effect in June.
Big Bang Photo Found
The Mars Lander has discovered a tiny silver-mylar rock on the red planet that apparently has photographically recorded the creation of the universe, NASA revealed today.
"Photosynthetic rocks are nothing new", cited Mike Lee of the JPL. "The caustic atmosphere of Mars would act as a natural developing tank".
The image, astounding to all but the most jaded scientists, is splendid and proves the big bang theory of universal creation.
March 15, 2000 issue
New planes for the Civil Air Patrol
The first of a new fleet of F-16 jets has joined the CAP fleet, part of a plan to replace aging Piper Cub aircraft presently used by the all volunteer group.
When the upgrade is complete, the CAP will take delivery of 430 of the jets. CAP volunteer pilots will receive 30 minutes training in the jets and will have to sign an affidavit that they will not press
any of the buttons on the control stick, unless ordered to do so by military authorities. The upgrade is expected to take a year to complete.
Cola use linked to TV lip sync
Investigators at the US Department of Justice have identified a link between increased cola use and improper lip synchronization found on many TV programs.
Cola use in the US has outpaced other industrialized nations by 200% since US television broadcasters have adopted digital television equipment that is capable of breaking the
synchronization between the picture and sound.
"I cannot comment on our investigation of the cola industries use of subliminal media" says Bill Williamson, of the DOJ. "This does explain why a leading cola producer bought TV equipment manufacturer Gates two years ago".
Dr Win Yang of the FDA concurs with the finding. "If you delay the picture slightly behind the sound the adrenal cortex secretes a hormone known to cause cola cravings". Cravings for other products
are possible with slightly different amounts of audio advance or delay. Most TV broadcasters have limited the use of this technique to live news and interviews, where the effect is most effective.
One Legged Pidgeon Photographed
Dr Lloyd of Missaukee, WI managed to snap this photo of the legendary single legged lake pidgeon.