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sixteen servings of porridgeStandard Serving Shrinks Again

The International Serving Organization (ISO) today announced it has revised the standard serving size, a move that will make more foods "good".

By reducing the size of the "standard serving", the amount of harmful ingredients shown on the label would be reduced. Under the new standard, formerly high-fat items like Haagen Daaz ice cream would be classified as healthy and low-fat. A standard hot dog will go from 2 to 6 servings, while a large McDonalds soft drink will now contain 25 servings.

Sy Dingal, of Morton Salt is overjoyed. "Finally people with hypertension (high blood pressure) can enjoy our salt".

The new standard is known as ISO-9002 and will take effect in June.

big bang photoBig Bang Photo Found

The Mars Lander has discovered a tiny silver-mylar rock on the red planet that apparently has photographically recorded the creation of the universe, NASA revealed today.

"Photosynthetic rocks are nothing new", cited Mike Lee of the JPL. "The caustic atmosphere of Mars would act as a natural developing tank".

The image, astounding to all but the most jaded scientists, is splendid and proves the big bang theory of universal creation.  LARGER IMAGE

News Archive Highlights:
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Y2K Inventor Found
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Metric Time comes to US
Crop Circles Explained
National Forests to be Clear Cut
Army drops BASIC training
Windows unstable in space
Mars Polar Lander is found

Lexus sued by PETI
PCS Phones are choking hazard

March 15, 2000 issue

cap f16New planes for the Civil Air Patrol

The first of a new fleet of F-16 jets has joined the CAP fleet, part of a plan to replace aging Piper Cub aircraft presently used by the all volunteer group.

When the upgrade is complete, the CAP will take delivery of 430 of the jets. CAP volunteer pilots will receive 30 minutes training in the jets and will have to sign an affidavit that they will not press any of the buttons on the control stick, unless ordered to do so by military authorities.  The upgrade is expected to take a year to complete.

sino colaCola use linked to TV lip sync

Investigators at the US Department of Justice have identified a link between increased cola use and improper lip synchronization found on many TV programs.

Cola use in the US has outpaced other industrialized nations by 200% since US television broadcasters have adopted digital television equipment that is capable of breaking the synchronization between the picture and sound.

"I cannot comment on our investigation of the cola industries use of subliminal media" says Bill Williamson, of the DOJ.  "This does explain why a leading cola producer bought TV equipment manufacturer Gates two years ago".

Dr Win Yang of the FDA concurs with the finding. "If you delay the picture slightly behind the sound the adrenal cortex secretes a hormone known to cause cola cravings". Cravings for other products are possible with slightly different amounts of audio advance or delay.  Most TV broadcasters have limited the use of this technique to live news and interviews, where the effect is most effective.

pidgeon photoOne Legged Pidgeon Photographed

Dr Lloyd of Missaukee, WI managed to snap this photo of the legendary single legged lake pidgeon.

 

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