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Sony Recalls Teckno Dog

The much heralded robotic dog, Teckno, has been recalled due to a manufacturing defect that could pose a serious risk of pain for the dog.   The recall affects all Teckno dogs imported to the US and Europe.

Technicians have discovered that a misaligned jackscrew in the leg lift mechanism may become bound up and cause the dog pain when it releases fluid from its bladder.  Owners of dogs that have shown the problem report the dog to be moody and generally lethargic.  On some units the bladder may rupture and cause internal corrosion along with sporadic dribbling as the dog walks.

Owners are urged to return their dogs to the place where they were purchased, or call 1-800-555-2222 for instructions on where to go.  All dogs returned under the recall will be returned to their owners after surgery, but be advised that the operation does have risk factors, dementia and incontinence being the most common side effects. Sony categorically denies any truth to the rumor that feeding the dog herbal batteries is a homeopathic remedy for this problem. -- Staff

Sun City Barbie Unveiled!

Mattel toys today released the newest addition to the aging Barbie line, the Sun City Barbie & Ken.

As part of a joint toy promotion with the AARP, the new Barbie is sure to be identified with original classic Barbie owners worldwide.

"We needed to find a way to tap the growing senior market" states Del Webb, designer of the new doll. "Doll owners need to identify with their dolls and the other Barbies are just too young".

Both the new Barbie and Ken are offered in both ambulatory and forgetful (CRS included free) models and have a wide assortment of available accessories. Of special note are the new golf car and dark sun glass accessories.  The pair should be on shelves in March  -- Staff

News Archive Highlights:
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Al Gore sued by Vote-A-Matic
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Pepsi gets 33c stamp
Crop Circles Explained
National Forests to be Clear Cut
Army drops BASIC training
Windows unstable in space
Mars Polar Lander is found

PCS Phones are choking hazard

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December 15, 2000 issue

USPS Adds Low-Priority Service

In response to increased pressure to not only cut the cost of shipping small parcels and more stringent environmental regulations the US Postal Service will soon initiate an ambitious new delivery service.

Low Priority Mail will satisfy the needs of those who are not in a rush to have their package delivered and would like to save a buck or two. The packages will be delivered by a new fleet of elephants, with no guarantee of delivery.

"I applaud the USPS for taking the high ground" says Jill Claymac of the Clean The Air Fund. "If everyone used elephants the air would smell much different".

Logistics are still being worked out and hopes are that service will march on nationwide this spring. Prices for shipping will be about a dollar less than present Priority Mail rates, with limitations that there can not be any nuts, berries or fruit contained in shipped parcels.  --Staff

Fries War Continues!

In an effort to counter MacDonalds new ChickenHead fries, Berger King today announced that it will soon offer Pookemoon poppers.

Served with a choice of sauces, the new Pookemoon poppers are sure to be a hit. The bite sized critters may taste much like chicken, but many will undoubtedly be traded amongst youthful customers looking to satisfy their palate with one of every variety.

Pookemoon poppers are expected to be available nationwide by February (except in California due to EPA regulations). --staff

Can Chad Count?

Chad, seen here swinging, may have plenty of dimples, but he is not pregnant.  When questioned about his ability to count, he mentioned that he hasn't had any luck with math in first grade and hopes that Santa will bring him a calculator this Christmas so he never has to learn the archaic practice of counting.  "Why should I learn to count" Chad argues, "Computers are so much better, and people make mistakes all the time".

Chad points out an episode where his mother (pregnant with Chads brother), got short changed by a clerk who could not make proper change at the convenience store.  No doubt, the clerk never learned basic mathematics to graduate with outcome based politically (but not mathematically) correct education.

Chad expects the results of his first math exam to be dismal, but looks forward to improved results with a calculator. -- Staff

 

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