Butterfly Bites Surfer
It took doctors at the Philadelphia Children's
Hospital six hours to stitch up the wound caused when a rogue MSN butterfly bit young Alex Roshchild while he was surfing the Internet.
"I've never seen anything like it" cited Dr Hans Kleen. "We just hope the anti-venom is powerful enough to bring him [Alex] out of his zombie-like coma".
Internet security experts are at a loss to explain the incident, noting that three other similar attacks have occurred over the past two weeks. MSN butterflies are specifically bred to provide a shield
between humans and the dangers of the Internet.
Results from the autopsy of the offending butterfly are not final, but a preliminary report notes that the "Twain-thunker" (the part of the butterfly that regulates pop-ups) may have increased the size of it's package due to excessive HGH.
Parents are advised to beware of over aggressive MSN butterflies and to report any suspicious behavior to authorities. Should you suspect your butterfly may turn vicious, place an opened
container of SPAM near him before evacuating so he may be kept distracted long enough for authorities to net and dispose of him. --staff
Berkley welcomes Saddam
Rumors abound in this sleepy California town that the new owner of 1455 Meadowview Lane is none other than SH himself.
City officials are full of glee that years of promoting anarchy and anti-americanism has succeeded in attracting at least one notable terrorist leader to the area.
Film at eleven after the late news.
Orange Food Stamps Available
After years of pressure from nutritionists, the USDA has finally changed the look of food stamps.
Thanks in part to S-232, the "healthy stamps" initiative, the USDA will no longer be selling sponsorships for the stamps to "junk food" producers. Starting with the June stamps, sponsored by the Florida Orange Growers, food
stamp sponsors will have to prove their products promote a balanced and healthy diet.
Collectors are already snatching up as many "Twinkie" and "Gummy Bear" stamps as they can find. Many feel that even the ubiquitous "McDonalds Fries" stamps will someday command the high values that the "Lucky Strike" stamps do today. A 1953 "Lucky Strike" food stamp, with a face value of 50 cents is now worth about $3,000, an outcome never expected when the USDA
banned Tobacco and Spirits manufacturers from stamp sponsorships in 1960. --Staff
New Jersey Pays 3.5 Billion $$
In a move sure to send shockwaves through government, the Supreme Court affirmed the claims by an Illinois man for his ownership of the patent rights for taxation.
Patent # 406-11-02B asserts that William MacJeffrey invented "A method of extracting money from citizens in order to fund governmental operations".
The patent suit, long stalled in various courts, has finally been decided. While this particular
proceeding was initiated against the State of New Jersey, MacJeffrey plans to file suits throughout the country seeking royalties and punitive damages from any entity that has collected taxes over the past 75 years that the patent has been in force.
"I have worked for this all my life" cheered the 92 year old MacJeffrey, " I will die a rich man".
Rich indeed, as the potential royalties from his patent stagger the imagination.
Government officials are expectedly crying foul and
calling for the closure of the Patent and Trademark office. A 1916 law required the PTO to issue patents regardless of "obviousness", thus planting the seed for many of todays major litigations.
The Supreme Court is expected to rule this month on the "Method of transporting liquid through pipes" patent, and the case of Melinda Vs The Lutheran Church where the claimant claims the Church did not provide "everlasting life" to her deceased husband.