Military Deregulation

In a shocking last minute action, outgoing president Clinton issued an executive order that officially deregulates all branches of the US military forces, effective today.

Pleased with the results of energy deregulation, the president is hopeful that by deregulating the military the country will be "kinder and gentler". 

"I felt their pain" said the President. "Soldiers would much rather carry a cellphone than an assault rifle".

US military deregulation has been suggested by many foreign leaders as a way to foster "togetherness" and as a first step towards opening our country to overseas interests.

In a related move, Gen Lee of China has arranged for his country to purchase the expected windfall of surplus military arms generated by the deregulation, where the military must sell all its weaponry in order to lease them back..

The arms sale  will nearly even out the trade deficit with China, providing a shot in the arm for the trembling US economy.

 The Chinese will lease back the armaments to the US on a year by year contract.  They plan to  supply  "state of the art" firearms (see example at left) at a price that analysts call "hefty".  Staff.

News Archive Highlights:
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Al Gore sued by Vote-A-Matic
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Pepsi gets 33c stamp
Crop Circles Explained
National Forests to be Clear Cut
Army drops BASIC training
Windows unstable in space
Mars Polar Lander is found
PCS Phones are choking hazard

Federal Policy Behind California Power Crisis

The outgoing administrations "Back to Nature" policy, aimed at returning America to an agrarian society, has reached the final phase in California.
Naturalists are heralding the crisis as "the dawn of a new era".

Hamhock reports on how the policy has been implemented and what is in store for the rest of the country.

LA County declares an emergency and requests anyone with an extra washboard to send it west.   More...

Burger Wars Mooove Along

In an escalation of the burger wars, Arbys has started to install cattle pens at all Missouri and Illinois  franchises.

"Fresh Roast Beef is what we are all about" claims Bill Hill, owner of the Cuba, MO Arbys. "It's a real attraction for families, having the cattle right here-- and getting to pick your meat".

Selecting the cow for your sandwich is only available at a few locations, but initial reports are that the cattle pen is a hit with customers, though not popular with neighboring businesses, unaccustomed to cattle stomping and snorting. The idea of "absolutely fresh" food is not new, it has been a hit in Europe where most coffee houses grow their own beans on site.

McDonalds and Burger King have not commented, but if successful, Long John Silvers has stated that it would install aquariums nationwide.  Staff...