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Iraq War Plans Lost

White House aides have admitted that due to a computer virus, the Iraqui War Plans never made it to the presidents desk.

In September, when the KlezWorm virus was epidemic in the Pentagon, an unfortunate PC that had already been infected by Melissa began to systematically email portions of the Iraq War Plans to thousands of individuals in the Pentagon address book.  The mutated virus, now known as Klez-Saddamit32 then deleted the files and trashed the hard disk by writing "dude you need a new Dell" over every sector.

Pentagon officials refuse to comment, but it appears as though because of the top secret nature of the document, no backups were created. The Pentagon is asking anyone who received emails appearing to originate from "Bubba" with subject lines of "Saddam removal tools" or "Islamic girls vocal concert" to forward the email to secretwarplans@pentagon.gov in hopes that they can piece together the plans from the sections mailed out by the virus.

In related news, Iraqi officials are offering a generous cash reward for people who forward to them any emails that appeared to originate from "Bubba" with subject lines of "Saddam removal tools" or "Islamic girls vocal concert".  Contact your nearest Iraqi embassy for details on this offer.   --Staff

Fed Reserve
Cuts rate to Zero Percent

In an effort to stimulate the economy, the Federal Reserved Board today announced a special Zero Percent loan package.  While Zero percent APR is new for the government, it's been a tried-and-true strategy of the auto manufacturers.  Wall Street appears to like the idea, as bankers are lining up at the Federal Reserve since the new loans went on sale.

Qualifying banks can obtain the Zero percent loan for periods of up to 90 days, thereafter interest will be charged at prime+9.66 percent.  There is a 25% application fee, a $90 late payment fee, and a special rate for banks with not prime credit ratings.  The offer is not available in NJ or WI and there are special restrictions for Georgia banks. Capital punishment for non payment is available in some states, see your state Attorney General for details.  Insured by FUBAR.  -- Staff

November 1, 2002 issue

Klez Worm Exposed

After months of infestation, the stealthy Klez Worm has finally been photographed.

CLICK HERE to see what this infamous viral worm really looks like "in the flesh".

Implantable Anti-Virus

Norton Software (NYSE: Symantec) today announced an implantable version of their popular anti-virus software.

Dubbed the "Norton Chip", wearers would never have to worry about annual flu shots, as the chip would provide their body with constant metered doses of anti virus protection. The chip uses the latest in nano-nano-technology and can be inserted either in the palm or forehead quickly and without pain at most larger computer or office supply retailers.

Of the many benefits of the Norton Chip is the ability of the device to update itself for new virus patterns by having the wearer visit a special update webpage.   To the casual user, the special page appears to mimic the Windows "3D Flowerbox" screensaver, yet it programs the chip much like the Outlook DataLink watch.  For larger corporations, a special version of the "3D Flowerbox" screensaver is available that will program the chip and also enable various ancillary monitoring and control functions the chip is capable of.

To prevent piracy, each chip is encoded with unique identifiers that can be polled at up to 100 yards. The devices have been successfully tested by various totalitarian regimes and have shown to nearly completely eliminate criminal activity when properly updated.  Makes a perfect holiday gift.  -- Staff

 

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