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Anthrax Scare Hits Vermont

When Mildred LaVoyee awoke this Tuesday and looked out her window she nearly passed out from horror. "My whole yard was full of a fine white powder" exclaimed the recent transplant from Miami. "I'm already feeling weak", she added.

Burlington Vermont authorities have yet to comment on the exact nature of the white powder that appears to have deposited on the region during the early hours of Tuesday.  So far they have logged about 3500 calls to 911 and are investigating every one with diligence.  The local hospitals have already filled up with residents who complain of various flu like symptoms.

Some of the local children have ignored warnings to stay inside and have found the white powdery material great fun to play with. A small number of children have come down with sniffles and runny noses.  Authorities suspect that proper hat and scarf use may reduce the chances of becoming ill while playing with the powder.   More info as it is available...  Staff

Senate Fumigation Endangers Rare Protected Mouse

Fumigation of the Hart senate office building has been held up as authorities determine how to rid the building of Anthrax without killing off the protected Maryland Clubfoot Mouse.

The rare Clubfoot Mouse is found only in a few government buildings in Washington and has been on the endangered species list since 1972.  Chlorine Dioxide gas, used to kill Anthrax, will not only kill the mouse, but destroy it's natural habitat-- the air ducks and wiring raceways in the Hart building.

Animal rights activists are petitioning that the US Senate abandon the building and turn it into a permanent habitat for the Clubfoot Mouse, and other rodents and insects that call the building home.   No mention was made of the minimum amount of Anthrax spores that would trigger the biological agents automatic inclusion on the endangered list also.  Authorities speculate that they can eradicate Anthrax from the building without causing the bacteria to become endangered and subject to legal protections.

US Senators will continue to operate from their "tent city" on the capitol mall, thanks to the generosity of Maricopa County AZ "Sheriff Joe" who supplied the tents on loan. --Staff

Military Recruitment Overloaded

With the heightened threats to civilian security in the US, residents have discovered that the safest place to be is in military service and are flooding recruitment centers.

"I've been here for 18 hours" reports Jim Hanley, "I'm about three hours from the door now". Hanley is just one of hundreds spending the day waiting in line at the recruiting station in Globe Arizona. Long recruitment lines are being reported across the country, some 1/2 mile at times.

With the sudden influx of new recruits, the military is contemplating various plans to streamline the indoctrination process.   Soon to be implemented are automated kiosks that will allow people to enlist at any Circle-K or 7-11.  When this new e-listing system is in operation, new recruits will be able to complete an online video training course and bypass the antiquated "boot camp" system. They would then report directly to a nearby base for overseas deployment.  E-listing is expected to be operational by next January. -- Staff

November 1, 2001 issue

Berkeley Council Tours Caves

The second stop in the Berkeley City Councils "International Tour of Understanding" included a tour of Al Queda caves in Afghanistan and a meeting with Bin Laden. "His cheeks are so rosy" said Betty Hilde, president of the council. "He is too fatherly to be a terrorist".

Reportedly, Berkeley council members brought a gift of preprinted address labels of Berkeley residents to assist Bin Laden in a letter he plans to send to every American later this year.  "He really appreciated the labels" added Hilde. "It frees up his operatives to perform more valuable work". Apparently Al Queda is so short staffed that they don't have time to put return addresses on correspondence.

After the day long tour, council members were each given five pound bags of Afghan flour as a parting gift from Bin Laden before jetting off to Baghdad, the next stop on their "Tour of Understanding".  -- Staff

Taliban Navy Prepares for War

Battleships of the Talibani navy have been spotted in surveillance photos preparing to head to sea and join in the war for terrorism.

In preparation for deployment, a Talibani mine sweeper (shown below) clears the Badwater river for the passage of the naval armada.

Obese Majority Recognized By AMS

After years of pressure, the American Medical Society has finally agreed to update the "chart of normal weights" to properly reflect the "normal" reality of the 21st century.

The former charts, drawn up during the famine of 1708, held that "normal" weight was any weight within 10 pounds of starvation.  With the average weight of people considerably higher than starvation levels, the society has finally agreed that it is not that average people are "overweight" but that those who have not attained average weight are malnourished and "underweight".

Under the new standards, a 6' tall male would need to be 275# to attain normal weight, 225# for a woman. If you wish to see how much you should weigh, CLICK HERE for the new weight calculator.

 

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