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Y2K driver backordered

Patched HP driver
For many owners of Hewlett Packard VL5 computers the passing of the century has their machine all locked up-- literally!

Stanley tools, maker of the special screws that hold the VL5 computer together today announced that shipments of Y2K compatible drivers will be delayed at least another week. Without the newest driver, the screws holding the PC case cannot be removed without damaging the machine.

"A temporary patch for the old drivers is available from our website" reported Dan Bricklin, VP of fasteners for Stanley. Bricklin blames the delay in shipment of the Y2K compatible drivers on bugs found in early testing of a related product, the new Stanley Designated Driver. "We didn't want to release a driver with known bugs", says Bricklin, "Imperfect driving creates MADD people".

All registered VL5 owners should expect to receive the updated drivers by the end of January. The first 500 shipped will also include an authentic electron from the 20th century embedded in the drivers handle.

January 1, 1900 issue

Citibank Stock Doubles!Bank Fee Explosion!

Citibank Corp of NY, home to the most checking accounts in the US, has become the favorite child of investors and has doubled in value almost overnight.

Stock prices soared with news of record profits from invalid check penalties. In the first week of 2000, over six million checks dated "1900" were penned by customers-- an error costing a hefty $45 per check charge. 

Ray Jett, spokesman for Citibank was jubilant as he added that "this makes ATM fees seem like chickenfeed-- almost nobody got new personal checks for Y2K and most people just put 00 in for the year-- effectively writing 1900 and qualifying for our penalty".

In related news, Deluxe Check Printers, (subsidiary of Bank of America) the only federally authorized check printer, is reporting a six month delay in processing check orders due to a "undisclosed management directive".

US Gravitational Survey reportGravitational Center of Earth to shift

Sources at the USGS confirm that scientists are very close to a breakthrough in understanding the force of gravity.

The USGS plans to announce their findings at a press conference in April. Reportedly, the gravitational center of earth, and other planets, is not fixed in one location and moves periodically. A shift in the earths GC would most notably cause dustballs to settle in different locations and make bicycle parking difficult (along with other irregularities, such as a dramatic reshaping of the oceans).

The last GC shift on Earth occurred around 1200, just after the tower of Pisa was constructed in Italy. Scientists conclude that we are due for another GC shift within the next 20 years. More details to be released at the press conference.

Spatula City LogoSpatula City to toss cookies!

Specialty retailer Spatula City announced today that after a stale holiday season, the entire line of cookies from Toys-R-US will be dropped and replaced with high performance tires from Just For Hands.

"We're going to focus on our core business" said Ray Cordoba, Spatula City founder. "Nearly all spatula buyers buy tires, along with calendars and pens" he added.

Cordoba would not confirm or deny rumors of negotiations with Staples for their calendar line.

News Archive Highlights:
US removes Windows - Military cripled 
Y2K Inventor Found
Make money with Gun Buy Backs
Chia Pets Threaten New Mexico
Metric Time comes to US
Crop Circles Explained
National Forests to be Clear Cut
Army drops BASIC training
Windows unstable in space
Mars Polar Lander is found

Lexus sued by PETI
PCS Phones are choking hazard

 

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