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HELPDESK RATECARD

Calling with a question --- $30

Calling with a stupid question -- $40

Calling with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $60

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help.  - $40

Questions where answer is in TFM - $150

C alling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $200

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $400

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $15/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $80/mile+gas

If  you  interrupt  me while I was trying  to  actually  fix somebody else's problem - $95/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is  having and  which is "stopping all work." Not  being  there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35

Fixing ANYTHING with the power button - $250

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200

F ixing the "hung" system by plugging the network cable  back in $375

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $500

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server -  $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your finger - $25

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission  first - $1000 per program

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus  hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to  hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40

L istening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see  if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing  yes, trying  five other things, asking you to identify your  plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a  sheepish,  "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount  for polite apology)

Dealing with support requests for obviously pirated software - $250

D ealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died."  requests - $450

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling  the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response -  $95

Having  to  point out anything that's on the wall in a  typeface larger than 18 points - $15

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as  an internet access problem - $25

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100/hour

D ealing with computer hobbyists - $125/hour

Questioning the other prices  - $50